Here we go again...

As I am sure most of you know, a few months ago I came out of the closet and publicly admitted that I had an addiction to pornography. I thought that it was about time that I offer an update on this subject.

One of my personal reasons for coming out was that it was getting harder to keep my promise to God. By admitting my addiction (as I have started to call it) I hoped to relieve some of these desires. I am glad to say that it has been easier to cope with my personal desires and lusts in the last few months... and on that note, I am going to change the subject.

I received an outpouring of support and help from those around me on this subject. Also, two people have come to me and said that they have followed the same path as I have. It is great to know that I am not the only Christian out there struggling with this issue. Of course, I could assume that there are others out there, but to have someone who is close that I can talk to helps greatly in overcoming my addiction.

And I do mean my addiction: Lusting (AKA: Pornography) is truly an addiction. Once you start, you just can't stop. It starts with small innocent things, then grows as each new thing becomes not enough. And once you do decide to kick the habit, it never really goes away. Just like they teach you in AA (or so I'm told): you will never recover from being an alcoholic; you will be a "recovering alcoholic" for the rest of your life. If at any point in your life you slip, you will fall all the way back to the bottom.

In e-mailing someone who has the same problem, I wrote this:
"You say that I "looked it in the eyes, grabbed it by the throat and strangled the life out of your selfishness." I don't see it that way. I see it as I cut the head off of the hydra, and more heads just keep coming back. I don't say this to discourage you, I say this to strengthen you, that you may once and for all flip that bit in your brain from "ehh, I am not doing it right now for God" to "I will never do it again, no matter how much it hurts." I am not trying to be all preachy about it, but I know that personally I had to make that decision before any healing was to happen."

On to story time (shouldn't all blog posts have a good story time?):
I was at the last LifeGroup (college small group) of last year (early December). We were given one of those cheesy sheets that says "Fill out this form describing how you were before you were a Christian," and you are supposed to compare it today now that you are a Christian, and get a warm fuzzy feeling inside. However, I have never considered myself not a Christian. I mean, I grew up in a Christian home and always went to church/Sunday School. In fact, there is not a distinct time in my life when I asked Jesus into my heart. I mean, I have (and still do), but there wasn't a "defining moment" that I would call my testimony. In fact, our LifeGroup would usually open up with two people telling their testimony to everyone, and I had explained to everyone that I really don't have a testimony, I have just always been a Christian.

But I digress (or was I digressing already? Am I now digressing from my digression?)...

But I digress from my digression of digressinisation (yes, that is a real word that I just made up). That night I was supposed to fill out the sheet on when I wasn't a Christian, but I never really had that problem. So I decided to fill out the form pointing to the time during which I was addicted to porn. I wrote about how I was separated from God and how alone I was. After everyone was done, we were paired up to discuss the sheet. I was paired up with Billy Joe Bobby III Jr. Jimbo Earl Otis Jeeves (he goes by Bob) (some names have been changed to protect the innocent). Because I had yet to come out and personally admit my addiction to anyone (I had admitted it online and only talked to people who knew about it), I at first discussed the sheet with Bob without saying anything about my addiction, I just talked about what the sheet said. But Bob always asks questions (he is never satisfied with an "OK" when he asks how you are feeling), so he dug deeper. I admitted to him that I was once addicted to porn, and that the sheet was about that time period. His first question/comment was "So why didn't you include that in your testimonial?"

I Instantly knew what he was talking about. He was saying: "A few months ago when you explained to everyone your testimonial, why didn't you include your porn story?" And he was right, I should have (I had thought about it, but had decided not to, even though I had already admitted it via my blog).

Afterwards, I was thinking: Overcoming my addiction really is a part of my testimonial. Even if I am still embarrassed to admit it, it is an important part of my spiritual growth. Some nights I feel like God is calling me to minister to others who have/had a similar problem. That God could use a horrible time in my life for ministry is amazing. The song "Moses" by "The W's" comes to mind: "Every once and a while I start to contemplate how a person like me could be used by the great God. Then I look at those who lived before me, in their imperfections they showed God's glory." Maybe I will one day show God's glory by using my addiction. Maybe I already have.

Anywho, it is late, and I must go. I started writing this post more than two weeks ago and am now just finishing it. Hopefully this shows some (but not too much) insight into my life right now.

Matthew