A good mood...

Tuesday, August 26, 2008
OK, I am in a good mood for once, so I thought I would post a bunch of random links that I found this morning:

Link 1: the funniest comic I've seen in a long time.

Link 2: I know that Jos Whedon is openly an atheist, but who knew how powerful his shows are?

Link 3: Some of the worst news ever? I hope it works out well.


My Day...

Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Dear Bloggary,

(I know that "Bloggary" is not an accepted term yet, but "Dear Diary" isn't accurate and "Dear Blog" just doesn't have a good ring to it...)

So, any way, as I was saying...

Dear Boggary,

My day was good. I have been working so much lately that it was nice to have a day off! Yes, a day all to myself, with no J O B or anyone telling me what to do. So what did I do?

I cleaned my room.

Really, it makes sense. I have been so busy lately that my room was a wreck, with dirty clothes on the ground, a sink full of dirty dishes, and a closet unpacked and all over my floor because of a week old project. So, my dirty room kept reminding me that I have been busy, so by cleaning it, it reminds me that I had a day off. Does that make sense?

Anywho, as I was going through some of my old stuff, I found a card that I wrote on when I was in Washington D.C. (remember that trip? it was fun!). The card said:

"It's hard to eat cereal without a spoon. Stupid establishment."
~ Me

I don't know what that means, and I don't think it is funny, but I must have felt it was funny at some point.

After cleaning, I decided that tonight was a good night for MOVIE NIGHT! And you know what that means: PIZZA!!! Papa Johns is still the best pizza ever. I would give some to you, but you are a blog, and blogs don't eat, silly! (ham, spicy sausage, pepperoni, bacon, and pineapple)

So while eating amazing pizza I watched "Vantage Point". Wow, what a horrible movie! The movie bills itself to be a suspense thriller, but it isn't. In advertisements, it looks like the movie will solve the mystery of "Who killed the president?" by showing different "vantage points" of people in the crowd, but that is not at all what happened! The first half of the movie shows you the same sequence of events through 5 people's perspective, but each time, NO new information is given! THEN, it gives you all of the information at the end with no one "vantage point", IE: it turns into a normal movie showing lots of events in sequence. So what could have been a good suspense thriller turned into a dull blockbuster with bad acting and an even worse script (at the end of the movie whenForest Whitaker finds the president alive (*gasp*, ya, they tell you that in the previews), he has the line "I'm with you, Mr. President." LAME!). Oh, and they have whole sequences inside of a TV news control room and it is the most inaccurate representation of a control room that I have ever seen! The "on air" camera keeps changing while the guy's hand is NO WHERE near the control board! How lame!

*sigh* I hate bad movies, especially ones that show such great promise but utterly fail (and by "fail" I don't mean the horse got half way around the race track when he sprains his ankle and falls to the ground, I mean "fail" like the gates open and the horse is dead with maggots already rotting away its intestines... umm, sorry about that, but it served its purpose).

OK, really, moving on now...

I just bought the latest Family Force 5 album: "Dance or Die (iTunes link). I hope it is good (the EP is great). I also hope to listen to this CD when I start running soon, once it cools down.

But now, blog, I have to go to sleep. Wish me sweet dreams as you lullaby me to sleep.



Sunday, August 17, 2008
"Silence" by Jars of Clay

Take till there's nothing
Nothing to turn to
Nothing when you get through
Won't you break
Scattered pieces of all I've been
Bowing to all I've been
Running to
Where are you?
Where are you?

Did you leave me unbreakable?
You leave me frozen?
I've never felt so cold
I thought you were silent
And I thought you left me
For the wreckage and the waste
On an empty beach of faith
Was it true?

Because I...I've got a question
I got a question
Where are you?

Deeper I wanna scream
I want you to hear me
I want you to find me
Because I...I want to believe
But all I pray is wrong
And all I claim is gone

And I...I've got a question
I've got a question
Where are you?
And where...I...I've got a question
I've got a question
Where are you?
Where are you?
Where are you?
Where are you?


Here goes again...

Friday, August 15, 2008
*Wow, I finally have a night to write this all out... I have been planning on writing this since the night of my last "deep spiritual" post (a few days ago) but I haven't had the time... here goes!*

*... err, another point first: After writing the below post, I realize that it is not one of my better posts. My thoughts jump around, my points are not all clear, and my train of thought is a wreck... (get it? train... wreck... oh never mind) but I don't know how else to say it, so I will let it stand as it is. I hope you can follow along well enough.*

Oh, where to start... there's a good place! I was at my brother's house the other day and noticed that he had a sheet of paper taped to his desk near his monitor, so sitting at his computer it is impossible to miss. It is a list of his goals and his focuses (foci?) in life. A simple way to constantly remind him what to stay focused on and what his goals are.

My first reaction: wow, that is LAME! (roxorz boxorz omg...hax) But the idea kinda grew on me...

See, the other night after I posted my "I am spiritually depressed" post, I was lying in bed, and some thoughts came to my mind, and because I had seen Stephen's list, I grabbed a sheet of paper and a pencil. Here is what I came up with (and I quote):

Don't focus on what I can get away with,
         but focus on God!
A perception; a mind change
         to focus on God in everything.
Friends keep you company,
         friends keep you Godly*,
                 family does the same.

Let me break that down as to what it means to me,

Don't focus on what I can get away with,
         but focus on God!

Eleven months ago I "came out" about my pornography addiction. In many ways that has helped me, but it has also made me lower my defenses. While I haven't viewed any pornographic material in several years, in the last six months I have looked at things that I shouldn't have. I will come back to this point later, but I wanted to make this side point here: while I kept strong in my resolution to not look at pornography, I haven't done so good with my resolution to not lust.

See, I have been struggling with mind games, looking at things I shouldn't have and then making excuses for them (wasn't that what I was doing all along?). In other words, I was seeing how much I could get away with, and it hit me ("A bus?" "No, an idea!"): I can't go through life seeing how much I can get away with. That is not what God calls us to do. He doesn't say "Go and make disciples of all the nations... when or if you feel like it." or "If you want to get into heaven... do what feels good." He calls us to devote our entire lives to serve him in everything that we do. So the first part of the note to myself reminds me that I shouldn't push the envelope, I should stay on God's side as much as possible.

A perception; a mind change
         to focus on God in everything.

This is a continuation of the previous point: Always keep your mind on God! Now, I want to point out that while the previous point had the specific application of lust, it is transferrable to everything in life (as this point emphasizes). To speed or not to speed, now the choice is clear. "Should I watch this raunchy movie?" I think not. And, instead of simply giving money to a charity/church, why not give your time and effort? When you choose to focus on God, everything changes.

Friends keep you company,
         friends keep you Godly*,
                 family does the same.

This one is more personal to me. It is a reminder to not shut myself in my apartment, to not confine myself to be alone. I never got around to explaining my poem "Dark (I still plan to), but part of it deals with me enclosing myself in my room and not leaving. Being alone is a demon of mine, and I am constantly fighting it. This also emphasizes that family is amazing and important to me, but friends can also play an important role, so much so that it mentions that "friends can do these things, oh, and so can family."

Also, note the "*" (I have no idea how you spell that). This is getting back to the line of thought that I was talking about earlier (about viewing bad stuff). I decided to (finally) submit to having a "watcher" program on my computer; I choose Covenant Eyes. Covenant Eyes is simply a program that runs on my computer that tracks all of the web pages that I look at, then it rates me and tells my accountability partner how I have been doing. It won't stop me from viewing bad things, but if I do look at morally-questionable material, my accountability partner will know about it. (And no, I am not naming this person, but I do have an accountability partner).

Getting back to the point... my note to myself says "friends keep you Godly*" serves as several reminders:
Friends will keep you accountable,
Friends will keep you on the right path,
I have a watchdog on my computer, so don't look at anything stupid!

NOTE: The above note to myself, unlike Stephen's list, is not a comprehensive list, it is not a detailed list or an all-inclusive list. It was simply a list of resolutions that I wanted to be reminded of on a daily basis. I don't have this hanging on my wall yet, but I may soon.

OK, back to story time. As I was laying there in bed, after writing all these things out, I turned the sheet over and wrote a prayer:

Lord God, May this not be a tonight-thing, today-thing, or now-thing; may it be a for-the-rest-of-my-life-thing, a permanent-thing. Amen.

That was and is my prayer, that what I wrote down won't be a temporary fix or a spiritual high. I pray that my life will be changed, that those items will be a new leaf in my life, that I may be baptized and be washed new, out with the old, in with the new, a born again I-don't-want-to-go-back-for-anything resolution to change my life. I pray that you may also find the courage to write a list that will help you define your new life.


I hate life...

Wednesday, August 13, 2008
I hate life.

I just double booked myself for tomorrow afternoon, 20 miles apart from each other. I am now trying to rectify this situation.

I miss the old life, being a carefree kid. It was so great. Life sucks. Or as the old commercial said: "Stress stinks! (Arrid works.)"


The Mole: Final

Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Here are my final picks for the mole:

#1. Craig: Still sticking with him
#2. Nicole: Due to reasons that I am too tired to explain, if my #1 hadn't made it to the final round, Nicole would be my #1, but because I picked Craig a long time ago, I am sticking with him.
#3. Mark: Ehh, I just don't think it is him.

Note: Yes, I know by now that the Mole has been revealed, but I haven't seen the show yet... honest!


More Crap...

OK, so those of you that haven't talke to me in a while, ya, my life sucks right now).

Rhonda broke down (got her fixed).
My internet is out (I am writing this from work).

And I can't think of anything else right now. I know it doesn't sound like a lot, but I think what is getting me most agrivated is just how the world is against me. OK, that sounds melodramatic, but it seams like every little thing is going wrong, that Murphy has moved in with me. It is hard to explain without sounding silly (or very detailed), but it seams like I am getting all red lights when I drive... not only am I REALLY hitting EVERY red light when I drive, but that is also a good metaphor about how I feel in every aspect of my life. If it could go wrong right now, it will. And my anger and frustration just grows and grows day by day.

Some people, when faced with bad times, turn to religion for help. Me, hard times drive me away from religion. Not that I am becoming less of a Christian (or am I?), but it makes me question my faith more, makes me question God more, makes me question why I am putting up with this for little earthly gain. I know in my heart that I have centered my life on heavenly things so that I will receive heavenly gains, but my body is aching for some earthly relief (and I don't mean that I want a mud bath).

I feel like I have blogged this before, so this may be repeating myself, but right now there is nothing you (the reader) can say to make me feel better. "Don't worry, it will get better soon" doesn't make me feel any better. "Everyone goes through hard times/I have been though similar things" doesn't make it any easier for me. "You will grow stronger because of this/God is leading you through this" just doesn't help. "Read the Bible/Psalms, it will help you" no it won't.

So what will help? This crap to go away! Problem is: there is a small part inside of me that says "This won't go away until you have a better attitude about it", but my reply is "I won't get a better attitude about this until it goes away." A catch 22.

So I post here again, knowing that what I type won't help (outside of figguring things out for myself). When I type this, I am not looking for answers, reassurment, or even a hug (although that would feel nice... Stephen, don't even think about driving up here, because even a hug would be short lived). The only thing that I can ask from you is prayer. Please continue to pray for me, every night, every day, every time you think about me. It is the only way to get these demons away from me.

And to get back to an earlier point, this is one of the reasons why my religion is hurt during these times: I pray, and pray, and pray, and I know that others are praying for me, but honestly, things have only gotten worse in the last two weeks... why does it get worse when my prayers get more? (And now that I say that, I have to admit that it is wrong, I don't pray more now... because my faith has shurnk. It is hard to pray when faith is lacking.)

OK, so this post went different places than I thought it would go, but it includes all feeling I have been feeling for a while. Please just continue to pray, I am desperate for help.



Wednesday, August 06, 2008
Ya, so here I am at my new job. The job that I haven't told you (my blog) about, not because I wanted to keep it a secret from you, but simply because I haven't posted in over a week.

So any way, I am at my job (yes, I am currently on the clock), and notice what time it is: 2:30 in the morning. Ya, I got here at 3:30, eleven hours ago, and I am still "working"... I say "working" because I am waiting for the computer to be done uploading a file, and I get paid until the computer gets done. So I am doing everything I can to hog bandwith so that the upload goes slower (just kidding!).

But any way, I have to be back at 11 in the morning, which is only 8.5 hours from now, minus an hour driving each way, I would only be home for 6.5 hours (and out $15 for gas). So I decided (with the permission of my "boss") to sleep here for the night. I don't have a blanket or a pillow, but I can deal with it.

Who else has ever slept over at their job the first night they worked there? (I just wish that "Spending the night the first day on the job" were on my List of Things to Do in Life, if only so I could check it off!)