Clinton Inn

Friday, July 25, 2008
This post will be mostly full of inside jokes, but because most people have at one time or another stayed in a sleazy hotel:

In honor of the Clinton Inn in Clinton, Mississippi, I present:

The Sleazy Index


Playing this game is easy. Just start with zero points, then...

Add five points if the hotel is named after the city that it is located in,
Add four points if the hotel is not a chain,
Add three points if the hotel is called an "Inn",
Add four points if there is a guy sitting outside their room without a shirt on,
Add three points if the A/C is controlled by a light switch (a bonus two points if that switch is horizontal, not vertical),
Add three points if the closet can be described as a "Helen Keller Closet" (a bonus two points if the girl doing the impersonation is named "Helen"),
Subtract three points if the room has a mini-fridge in it, but
Add four points if water left in the "freezer" of the mini-fridge for eight hours is still not frozen,
Subtract ten points if there are two TVs in the room, but
Add fifteen points if there are two TVs in the room because one TV's power button is broken and management didn't feel like removing the TV,
Add four points if the TV has a sticker on it that says "If cable is removed from TV, alarm will sound",
Add fifteen points if the buzzer for after-hours check-in is "a screw",
Subtract eight points if the hotel is presented on one of those blue "Lodging" signs on the highway, but
Add nine points if the hotel is a mile or more off of the highway,
Add six points if there is no "Continental Breakfast",
Add two points if the hotel advertises "free HBO",
Add fifteen points if there is no latch on the bathroom door (a bonus five points if the room has two or more beds),
Add three points if the towels in high school gym are more absorbant than the towels offered by the hotel,
Add four points if, when you request extra towels at the front desk, you are told "You will have to wait until 11 when my brother gets back",
Add fifteen points if the shower curtain is more affectionate than the lady at the front counter.

BONUS: Add ten points if you hear a car engine rev up and you are compelled to check to see if your car was stolen.
BONUS: Add ten points if you bring your pistol in with you to feel safe.

You are done! The number you now have is your "Sleazy Index." It is on a scale of 0 to 100, 0 being "Not Sleazy" and 100 being "Super Sleazy." To give you an idea, here are some hotels and the numbers you would associate with them:

Ritz-Carrolton: anything under Zero (minus twenty-one being the "best" score)
Sheraton: 0 - 20
Holiday Inn: 20-40
Best Western: 40-60
Motel 6: 60-80
Americas Best Value Inn: 80-100

And, with an amazing perfect score of 120 (including all bonus points) is, you guessed it:

The Clinton Inn in Clinton, Mississippi


Congratulations to the winner! I would have gotten you a prize, but I was too busy hurrying home to take a shower.

Matthew

2 comments:

Swing said...

Ha ha! Glad you guys made it back to Texas all in one piece :)

Matt said...

HAHA!!! That's perfect! But, only 10 points for bringing in the pistol?