My Mundane Life

Wednesday, April 09, 2008
OK, I know I haven't posted in a while (I am making up for it with a big post). Mostly it is because I haven't had anything big happen... which really isn't true, but it is the way I feel. Let me break it down like this:

Lately, I have felt myself falling into depression. The good part is that I can tell that I am falling (in the past I didn't notice the depression until it was too late). The bad part: depression sucks! For example, I lay in bed at night and get all teary eyed because I don't have any close friends (which isn't true), but when I have the chance to go and hang out with people, I don't want to. And when I do go hang out, I tend to sit in the corner, watching everyone else be happy, while I just wish that I could be as happy as them. It is a paradox, and it sucks.

But like I said, the good news is that this time I can see it coming. I understand it now more than I ever have... and I don't mean "understand" as in clinical, because I have never talked to a doctor or done research about this. I understand what it does to my body and how it makes me feel and react. The bad part is that I still don't know what to do to get out of it. How do I get to feeling better? And no, Stephen, throwing me a surprise party and writing all over my wall with stickers won't cheer me up. I used to feel bad that you would go to such great lengths to cheer me up and yet it wouldn't work. But now I understand that it is the depression that kept me from enjoying those times.

So, how do I get out of it? Is it a mind game? Is there anything I can do? Or do I just have to rely on drugs (the doctor recommended kind)? I know that it doesn't help that I have nothing to motivate me right now. I have no steady job, Cathy has been sick for two weeks now so I haven't taped with her in a while... my typical day is sleep late, play games all day long, then go back to bed. I hated working at UPS, but part of me wants to go back to work if only to give myself MOTIVATION! But here is another Catch-22: I can't get a media related job until I have a demo reel, but I don't feel like making a demo reel because I am depressed, and I have no direct need for one. I understand that it needs to get done, but it is going to be a lot of work re-importing old footage and editing it... plus, when I am depressed, I am not creative, so now is not a good time for me to do it anyway.

Sorry to talk in rambles, but this is pretty much how my mind works these days. And it is a downward spiral: because I am depressed, I hang out with friends less and I have no motivation, which makes me sad, which makes me more depressed, which makes me more reclusive... you get the picture. And none of this is good for my spiritual life. When depressed, it is hard to have faith of any kind.

On a side note: even through all of this, I praise God that I was not depressed on my trip to Hawaii. That trip was an oasis of happiness that I won't forget no matter how depressed I am. I am so thankful that I was not depressed during that time.

OK, moving away from the depressing topic (sorry, bad pun), here are a few random things that have been going on in my life:

I am not the only one to have a whack mark anymore! Now, Rhonda has her own. OK, story time! Last Thursday I was driving down to Austin for a job. I was driving down I35 south of Waco when I saw someone on the far left median changing their tire. I don't know what all was going on, but there were several cars stopped there. I was looking over at it as I passed it, then I looked forward again, but it was too late. The truck in front of me had to break to miss the car in front of him, so I slammed on my breaks, making a big white puff of smoke like in the movies. I slammed into the back of his truck. We then pulled over to survey the damage. Thankfully, he had a trailer hitch that stuck out a foot from the back of his truck, so my bumper just hit his hitch. His truck was not hurt, it was my fault, so we shook hands and he left. What happened to Rhonda was superficial: her bumper is dented pretty bad, but nothing else is wrong. Of course, I thank God for protecting me and my truck during this time.

Moving on... I wanted to see what it would look like if I didn't shave. So I stopped. For almost two weeks I didn't shave, and what did I get? NOTHING! I mean, I got some hairs below my nose and under my chin, but that was it! *sigh* So I shaved it all off so that it will stop reminding me that I am aparently still going through puberty.

As stated before, I have been playing a lot of WarCraft... no, not World of WarCraft, I am playing the old fashioned and no-cost-per-month version. I had created a script that would tell everyone random Ancient Chinese Proverbs. A few examples:
Ancient Chinese Proverb: Man who keep feet firmly on ground find it hard to put pants on.
Ancient Chinese Proverb: Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Ancient Chinese Proverb: Folk who make Confucius joke speak bad English.

It was fun to put together. I use a program called ControllerMate to get it done. Here is what it looks like in the program:

But I wasn't content to stop there. I wanted a way to tell everyone what I song was currently playing in iTunes (because I listen to iTunes while I play). To leave the boring details out (too late), I found out a way! It looks like this:
Playing now on iTunes: "Never Let Me Go" by Family Force 5
Playing now on iTunes: "How Great Thou Art" by Chris Rice
Playing now on iTunes: "Angelise" by Russell Martin

Works well! I got it working thanks to an AppleScript. Here is what it looks like in the program:

Umm, OK, that is enough off topic rambling for now. Tomorrow I am going to take my truck in to get the parking break lamp looked at (it flashes). I was going to take it in this morning, but I couldn't sleep, so I was up until 4 AM, so I slept until 1 PM, so... ya, I will take it in tomorrow (lets hope I get more sleep tonight).

Thanks for pretending to read all the way down!



Matt said...

Hey! I read all the way down!! Yup, the whole thing. I even read some of the boxes of code in, so there ;-)

I know what you mean about being depressed. I still go through those phases from time to time. You know what I learned recently, though? When we see Jesus as He is, then we become more pure as a result. Check out 1 John 3:2-3 "Beloved, now we are children of God, and it has not appeared as yet what we will be We know that when He appears, we will be like Him, because we will see Him just as He is. And everyone who has this hope fixed on Him purifies himself, just as He is pure."

Enjoy looking at Jesus because He's not just what you're SUPPOSED to find your greatest satisfaction in, but He's what you were DESIGNED to find your greatest satisfaction in. You don't have to TRY to enjoy Him because a love for God will PUSH a love for the world OUT of your life.

And remember, I'm here for you, bro. You can even call me at work... yes, legally call me at work.

Swing said...

I read all the way down, too. I didn't read any of your scripts like Matt did, but I read all the way to the end.

You know that I'm here for you no matter what. I wish I could say that you can call and talk anytime, but that whole losing my voice thing put a crimp in that plan.

Helen said...

Yes, being without a steady job does crazy things to the motivation. Like completely draining it. Fortunately I wake up to a fresh (well, not too old) batch of dishes, so at least I have a place to get started on my day. I do have to be careful about playing games on the computer when Matt's not home. I should take up gardening or something, but then it's not my house, and we're leaving in three months. I should take up job hunting...