When I sit down to write long blog posts like this one I have typically gone over what I am going to say long before I sit down to actually write it. For example, in my blog post "It is Finished" in which I came out publicly about my pornography addiction, I had written the post in my head no less than six times before I actually sat down to type it out.
This time is different. Not because I haven't thought about what I am going to say, but because there is SO MUCH to say! In fact I have spent many many hours thinking over the past week, and the more I think the more I realize there is more to think about!
That is all to say this: This post will not be as organized as usual, and I am quite sure I won't get to everything tonight. My last blog post promised that I would share more, and there are many blog posts that I intended to sit down and write over the past weeks (I have two sitting half written on my desktop), but lack of energy from working my many jobs kept me from fulfilling this promise. Well maybe this will break that log jam.
To put it another way: I am quite sure there are things going on that I won't cover in this blog post, don't worry, I hope to blog these soon!
OK, wow, all of that and I haven't even started yet! Whew! Time to get on to the real reason for this post!
I have decided to make a huge change in my life. This will be the largest change I have ever made in my life, even larger than moving off to college.
I am moving to Austin.
For those that don't know me as well: In 2003 I graduated from high school and moved to Denton, TX (north of Dallas / Fort Worth) to attend the University of North Texas. Four and a half years later I graduated from said university with a degree in Radio, Television, and Film. (I like to tell people I got a BA in RTVF from UNT.)
To keep the story short (too late!), I began volunteering at Argyle United Methodist Church (AUMC) soon after I moved to Denton, and that position steadily grew over the years. Now I work part time for the church making a five figure salary (which sounds like a lot more than it is!).
But things aren't all daisies and roses. I have to work (typically) 60 hours a week at many part time jobs (including my own small business) just to make rent. And ever since my brother moved out of the area over two years ago, my closest family is now a 3 hour and 41 minute drive away (according to Google Maps).
I am in a rut! I am lonely, I work too much, and I am stressed to the gills! If I am to be honest with you right now, I would say: these past few years have broken me. I am broken emotionally, I am broken physically, I am broken spiritually... I long from the deepest part of my soul to once again find peace in my life, and I pray that this move will be the catalyst for that.
Don't get me wrong; God has been doing some amazing things in my life, and I often have moments of happiness and great joy, but these moments are islands in a sea of frustration and stress, and I don't see why I should sit around and leave it like this when I can at least attempt a change.
*sigh* Well, I have hit my emotional stopping point, so that is all for tonight. As I said, I have dozens of different thoughts I want to share, about how this will affect my job at my church, how deeply these pains hurt me, how much family means to me, how little "me" time I have, and how my friends have kept me sane for this long. But those will have to come another day.
For now, please be praying for me. I really didn't get into my "plan", IE: what my plan is for moving to Austin, but the primary part of the plan is to find a full time (or good paying part time) job in or near Austin. Please be praying that God would guide me to the job He wants me to have, the job that would best glorify His Kingdom. Please pray that I would have peace in the next few months, as I know it will get worse before it gets better. Please be praying that God would help me to get everything done in the next few months, as my schedule is packed.
Please be praying that God would continue to bless me as he has so abundantly blessed me in my past!
Matthew
PS: This blog post is over, but the conversation has just started! I am a HUGE fan of having conversations! So if you have any questions or comments, please leave a comment on this blog post below, message me on Facebook and/or Twitter, or just call me on my cell phone! In these days of bleak loneliness, conversations are a beacon of light for me!
You Don't Know Me: how Facebook and Twitter changed Social Media
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Many years ago (April of '05 to be exact) I started this blog that you are reading right now. I started it for the purpose of sharing links and photos with friends and family (so I could stop emailing them every time I came across a funny webpage), but over time it grew into my personal outlet for what we now call "social media". Just as Facebook and Twitter are all about updating everyone at the same time about something, so too my blog became, a place where all of my friends and family could go so that everyone could know the latest goings-ons of my life.
And, of course, funny webpages.
But over time I slowly stopped posting on my blog as I started posting more and more on Facebook and, later, Twitter. In fact, in the last 22 months I have only posted 11 posts on my blog, an average of one blog post every 60 days! Compare that to calendar year 2008 when I posted 160 times, an average of one post every 2.3 days.
However, what I post on Facebook/Twitter and what I used to post on my blog are not the same thing. On Facebook and Twitter you are limited in how many characters you can post (420 and 140, respectively). And while Facebook is great for having conversations in comments, I never post any deep or long winded posts, mostly because I can't fit many deep theological discussion into 420 characters. (And, yes, Facebook has Notes, but I never got into using those.)
And this is a problem. Nobody knows me. Sure, they think they know me, but all I ever post on Facebook/Twitter are one-liners. How can you know someone from one-liners?
For example, I have not kept it a secret that I am working on writing an iPhone application, but who knows how the project is going? Am I making good progress, or have I hit a stumbling block? How far along in the app making process am I, and what resources am I using? These are all things that, in the olden days of my blog, I would have typed out, but now nobody knows. (Note: I have made it a point to NOT post the title or even the general concept of my app, so don't feel bad if you don't know about that.)
Another great example: last year I become increasingly frustrated at my full time job. I wasn't frustrated at the company or anyone that was working there, I was frustrated at things like driving an hour each way three to four days a week, and working until 4 AM then having an hour drive home. And these problems didn't pop up over night, I had been getting increasingly frustrated for a year or more.
But apparently I had been keeping these problems to myself (or at least not posting about them on Facebook), because one day I posted on Facebook "Today I gave my two week notice at my full time job." and I got a surprised call from my dad. He not only didn't know that I was quitting, he didn't know how unhappy I was. And to make matters worse, to this day I have never posted a detailed explanation of WHY I was quitting. Unless you have asked me personally, you would have no about the problems I was having at the time.
In retrospect this probably wouldn't have happened if I were updating my blog regularly, because either a) I would have over time posted about how unhappy I was, or b) I would have written up a long 3000 word explanation of why I was quitting and I would have had it time stamped to post within an hour of me actually giving my two week notice, so everyone would know at the same time not only that I was quitting, but also a through explanation of why.
As these examples attest: Facebook and Twitter have changed the way people know me. And I am not saying that it is all bad, because the social interaction on Facebook and Twitter is so much greater than was ever possible on my blog. But people don't know ME, they don't know what is going on in my life, they only know the superficial one-liners of my life. And I am not saying that people that followed my blog when I posted regularly knew everything there was to know about me, I am saying they had a deeper understanding of what was really going on in my life.
I will admit: The idea that Facebook and Twitter are superficial is not a new idea in the world. I am sure people have written dissertations about how Facebook and Twitter have changed social media and people's interactions, but for me it never really sank in until now how MUCH it has changed how people know me.
So I am going to make a marked attempt to post on my blog more. I am not going to go out of my way to post, and I am not going to feel guilty if I don't post, but I want people to get to know a deeper me than the Facebook/Twitter version of me.
So add this blog to your bookmark list and/or your RSS reader, because you will be seeing more posts here in the near future.
Matthew
And, of course, funny webpages.
But over time I slowly stopped posting on my blog as I started posting more and more on Facebook and, later, Twitter. In fact, in the last 22 months I have only posted 11 posts on my blog, an average of one blog post every 60 days! Compare that to calendar year 2008 when I posted 160 times, an average of one post every 2.3 days.
However, what I post on Facebook/Twitter and what I used to post on my blog are not the same thing. On Facebook and Twitter you are limited in how many characters you can post (420 and 140, respectively). And while Facebook is great for having conversations in comments, I never post any deep or long winded posts, mostly because I can't fit many deep theological discussion into 420 characters. (And, yes, Facebook has Notes, but I never got into using those.)
And this is a problem. Nobody knows me. Sure, they think they know me, but all I ever post on Facebook/Twitter are one-liners. How can you know someone from one-liners?
For example, I have not kept it a secret that I am working on writing an iPhone application, but who knows how the project is going? Am I making good progress, or have I hit a stumbling block? How far along in the app making process am I, and what resources am I using? These are all things that, in the olden days of my blog, I would have typed out, but now nobody knows. (Note: I have made it a point to NOT post the title or even the general concept of my app, so don't feel bad if you don't know about that.)
Another great example: last year I become increasingly frustrated at my full time job. I wasn't frustrated at the company or anyone that was working there, I was frustrated at things like driving an hour each way three to four days a week, and working until 4 AM then having an hour drive home. And these problems didn't pop up over night, I had been getting increasingly frustrated for a year or more.
But apparently I had been keeping these problems to myself (or at least not posting about them on Facebook), because one day I posted on Facebook "Today I gave my two week notice at my full time job." and I got a surprised call from my dad. He not only didn't know that I was quitting, he didn't know how unhappy I was. And to make matters worse, to this day I have never posted a detailed explanation of WHY I was quitting. Unless you have asked me personally, you would have no about the problems I was having at the time.
In retrospect this probably wouldn't have happened if I were updating my blog regularly, because either a) I would have over time posted about how unhappy I was, or b) I would have written up a long 3000 word explanation of why I was quitting and I would have had it time stamped to post within an hour of me actually giving my two week notice, so everyone would know at the same time not only that I was quitting, but also a through explanation of why.
As these examples attest: Facebook and Twitter have changed the way people know me. And I am not saying that it is all bad, because the social interaction on Facebook and Twitter is so much greater than was ever possible on my blog. But people don't know ME, they don't know what is going on in my life, they only know the superficial one-liners of my life. And I am not saying that people that followed my blog when I posted regularly knew everything there was to know about me, I am saying they had a deeper understanding of what was really going on in my life.
I will admit: The idea that Facebook and Twitter are superficial is not a new idea in the world. I am sure people have written dissertations about how Facebook and Twitter have changed social media and people's interactions, but for me it never really sank in until now how MUCH it has changed how people know me.
So I am going to make a marked attempt to post on my blog more. I am not going to go out of my way to post, and I am not going to feel guilty if I don't post, but I want people to get to know a deeper me than the Facebook/Twitter version of me.
So add this blog to your bookmark list and/or your RSS reader, because you will be seeing more posts here in the near future.
Matthew
Count Your Blessings
Sunday, June 19, 2011
"Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so." We all know the words to the old nursery rhyme, but do we really know it?
Sometimes I play a little thought game and ask myself "What is the worst possible thing that could happen to my life?", IE: what event(s) would most alter the course of my life? (Not to be confused with "What is the worst thing that could happen IN my life?", for which the answer is easy: the loss of a family member or close friend.)
Well the answer would probably be me losing a job and/or losing all of my stuff. Let's say I lost my job(s) and my house burned down. That would be devastating to me because everything that I have worked for and everything that I own would be gone almost instantly.
What would I do next?
Well I have renter's insurance, so that would cover my stuff, but it wouldn't cover where I would sleep that night (or the next month for that matter). Insurance is only be the first step on the road to recovery.
So I would turn to family. Between my sister, my mom, my dad, my grandmother, and two sets of aunts/uncles/cousins, I have no doubt that SOMEONE could find an empty bed or couch for me to sleep on until I get my feet back under me. (My brother, who just moved to the Frozen Tundra of Canada, sadly doesn't count as it would be too far to travel just to sleep on a couch.)
But what if they weren't able to help? Later this week my entire family is going on a cruise. What would happen if I lost my job, my house burned down, and the cruise ship sank and I was the only one left?
Well then I would call my church and they would help. I am absolutely positive of ten people who would INSTANTLY open their homes for me if needed, and that is only counting fellow staff members! I know of another ten or more people in the congregation that wouldn't hesitate to do the same!
But what if I lost my job, my house burned down, the cruise ship sank, and armageddon happened and no one in my church was left alive?
Well at that point I am screwed! (Actually it is more more like I took that game one step too far.)
But really, I have played out the above thought game several times in my head and there is not a single way (outside of armageddon) where I would end up homeless. No matter how hard I try to mess with my life (in a theoretical sense) I end up surrounded by family and/or friends that care deeply for me. I attribute this to the amazing love that God has surrounded me with and the many blessings he pours out on my life.
(Am I saying that the homeless are not loved or blessed by God? In no way! God loves and blesses everyone in different ways, the above is just one way I am able to personify what God has done in my life. As an example, today at church a guy walked in off of the street and needed some help. Our church was able to help him and in doing so we were a blessing in his life and we showed God's love to him.)
How has God shown his love for you in your life?
My grandfather (Ray Kelling) was an amazing man, and it breaks my heart that he died before I really got to know him (or even before I knew what it would be like to miss someone that amazing). He struggled with cancer for many, many years until it finally took his life. One of the few relics I have left as a memory of him is a recording of him singing (with my grandmother accompanying on organ) "Count Your Many Blessings". (You can download the file by right clicking and choosing "Save As": Link.) The old hymn states:
So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
Do not be discouraged, God is over all;
Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your many blessings, see what God hath done!
Today, may you count your many blessings, and see that God loves you and cares for you. May you know without a doubt that God created the entire universe but loves YOU so much that he sent his only son to die on the cross so that you would know his love for you.
Matthew
PS: For an example on how to count your blessings amidst strife, click on back to an older post of mine titled "Oh Dear, I hit a Deer! The lesson I learned from hitting a 6 point buck.
PPS: I apologize that this post is not more organized than it is. I would like it to flow better but due to the many things going on right now I don't have the brain power to organize it any better. I hope that the unflowieness of it didn't hinder the point I was trying to make.
Sometimes I play a little thought game and ask myself "What is the worst possible thing that could happen to my life?", IE: what event(s) would most alter the course of my life? (Not to be confused with "What is the worst thing that could happen IN my life?", for which the answer is easy: the loss of a family member or close friend.)
Well the answer would probably be me losing a job and/or losing all of my stuff. Let's say I lost my job(s) and my house burned down. That would be devastating to me because everything that I have worked for and everything that I own would be gone almost instantly.
What would I do next?
Well I have renter's insurance, so that would cover my stuff, but it wouldn't cover where I would sleep that night (or the next month for that matter). Insurance is only be the first step on the road to recovery.
So I would turn to family. Between my sister, my mom, my dad, my grandmother, and two sets of aunts/uncles/cousins, I have no doubt that SOMEONE could find an empty bed or couch for me to sleep on until I get my feet back under me. (My brother, who just moved to the Frozen Tundra of Canada, sadly doesn't count as it would be too far to travel just to sleep on a couch.)
But what if they weren't able to help? Later this week my entire family is going on a cruise. What would happen if I lost my job, my house burned down, and the cruise ship sank and I was the only one left?
Well then I would call my church and they would help. I am absolutely positive of ten people who would INSTANTLY open their homes for me if needed, and that is only counting fellow staff members! I know of another ten or more people in the congregation that wouldn't hesitate to do the same!
But what if I lost my job, my house burned down, the cruise ship sank, and armageddon happened and no one in my church was left alive?
Well at that point I am screwed! (Actually it is more more like I took that game one step too far.)
But really, I have played out the above thought game several times in my head and there is not a single way (outside of armageddon) where I would end up homeless. No matter how hard I try to mess with my life (in a theoretical sense) I end up surrounded by family and/or friends that care deeply for me. I attribute this to the amazing love that God has surrounded me with and the many blessings he pours out on my life.
(Am I saying that the homeless are not loved or blessed by God? In no way! God loves and blesses everyone in different ways, the above is just one way I am able to personify what God has done in my life. As an example, today at church a guy walked in off of the street and needed some help. Our church was able to help him and in doing so we were a blessing in his life and we showed God's love to him.)
How has God shown his love for you in your life?
My grandfather (Ray Kelling) was an amazing man, and it breaks my heart that he died before I really got to know him (or even before I knew what it would be like to miss someone that amazing). He struggled with cancer for many, many years until it finally took his life. One of the few relics I have left as a memory of him is a recording of him singing (with my grandmother accompanying on organ) "Count Your Many Blessings". (You can download the file by right clicking and choosing "Save As": Link.) The old hymn states:
So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
Do not be discouraged, God is over all;
Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your many blessings, see what God hath done!
Today, may you count your many blessings, and see that God loves you and cares for you. May you know without a doubt that God created the entire universe but loves YOU so much that he sent his only son to die on the cross so that you would know his love for you.
Matthew
PS: For an example on how to count your blessings amidst strife, click on back to an older post of mine titled "Oh Dear, I hit a Deer! The lesson I learned from hitting a 6 point buck.
PPS: I apologize that this post is not more organized than it is. I would like it to flow better but due to the many things going on right now I don't have the brain power to organize it any better. I hope that the unflowieness of it didn't hinder the point I was trying to make.
The Cave
Saturday, March 19, 2011
[blink]
Where am I?
[I am in my youth.]
I am in a shadow; the darkness of the cave.
[I have been here before.]
I am lost in the cave with no way out, no hope of survival.
[I know the cave well, I have been here many times.]
I am going to die in the cave.
[I despise the cave.]
Yet up there is the light, the answer to the darkness!
[So close, yet...]
I run towards the light down a well trodden path.
[I know this path.]
The path promises to deliver me from the darkness to the light.
[I have traveled it many times, I know every twist and turn.]
I run, I flee, I climb, I crawl...
[Again, again, again, again.]
...one slip and I will land back in the cave.
[The retched cave.]
Slowly the darkness fades, the light overcomes!
[I remember the feeling of its warm rays.]
I am saved! I am free! I am home!
Again.
So time and time again, why do I keep waking in the cave?
The many trips towards the light, was it all in vein or simply a dream?
[blink]
Where am I?
~Matthew Kelling
Where am I?
[I am in my youth.]
I am in a shadow; the darkness of the cave.
[I have been here before.]
I am lost in the cave with no way out, no hope of survival.
[I know the cave well, I have been here many times.]
I am going to die in the cave.
[I despise the cave.]
Yet up there is the light, the answer to the darkness!
[So close, yet...]
I run towards the light down a well trodden path.
[I know this path.]
The path promises to deliver me from the darkness to the light.
[I have traveled it many times, I know every twist and turn.]
I run, I flee, I climb, I crawl...
[Again, again, again, again.]
...one slip and I will land back in the cave.
[The retched cave.]
Slowly the darkness fades, the light overcomes!
[I remember the feeling of its warm rays.]
I am saved! I am free! I am home!
Again.
So time and time again, why do I keep waking in the cave?
The many trips towards the light, was it all in vein or simply a dream?
[blink]
Where am I?
~Matthew Kelling
Heather
Tuesday, February 01, 2011
2 AM. Large winter storm blowing in. It is raining and it will surely be snowing soon.
So I do what any wanna-be-photo-geek does: I decide to set my iPhone in the window to take a time lapse video of our front lawn as the storm blows in. So I go to our front window, pull up the blinds (which is made difficult by the fact that they are broken) and I use an extension cord to plug in my iPhone so the battery won't die.
As I am lining up the shot about to hit the shutter I notice someone walking down the road. I thought "That's odd, it is below freezing outside and raining, who is walking around in this weather?" As I watch she turns up our driveway and starts to walk across our lawn.
Our doorbell rings.
I answer it and the woman says that her mom has kicked her out of the house, could she use my phone. "Of course" is my answer! She calls her boyfriend to come pick her up.
My roommate and I invite her to come inside and stay warm. She turns us down at first (I don't blame her for not coming into a stranger's house in the middle of the night) but she soon allows herself inside to wait.
We get to talking. She said that she saw me in the window and decided to come to our door to ask for help, and I explained to her what I was doing in the window. She opens up and says that her parents didn't like her boyfriend (the man she wanted to marry) so they said "You can leave him or leave the house." She choose to leave the house.
I then gather up the courage to say "I don't know where you come from or what you believe, but I am a Christian and I believe in prayer. Do you mind if I pray for you?" She said that she too was a Christian and would appreciate some prayer.
So in our living room at 2:15 in the morning with a winter storm brewing outside I was praying with my roommate and a stranger, someone who was at that instant homeless and clearly broken by the events that had just taken place.
Her boyfriend finally got there and she ran through the rain to his truck. I realize that if I hadn't been standing in the window at that moment she would still probably be out in the cold. I fully believe that God put me there at that exact moment to be a light in her deep darkness.
I will probably never see Heather again, but she will be in my prayers tonight and for a long time to come. May she will be in your prayers too.
Matthew
So I do what any wanna-be-photo-geek does: I decide to set my iPhone in the window to take a time lapse video of our front lawn as the storm blows in. So I go to our front window, pull up the blinds (which is made difficult by the fact that they are broken) and I use an extension cord to plug in my iPhone so the battery won't die.
As I am lining up the shot about to hit the shutter I notice someone walking down the road. I thought "That's odd, it is below freezing outside and raining, who is walking around in this weather?" As I watch she turns up our driveway and starts to walk across our lawn.
Our doorbell rings.
I answer it and the woman says that her mom has kicked her out of the house, could she use my phone. "Of course" is my answer! She calls her boyfriend to come pick her up.
My roommate and I invite her to come inside and stay warm. She turns us down at first (I don't blame her for not coming into a stranger's house in the middle of the night) but she soon allows herself inside to wait.
We get to talking. She said that she saw me in the window and decided to come to our door to ask for help, and I explained to her what I was doing in the window. She opens up and says that her parents didn't like her boyfriend (the man she wanted to marry) so they said "You can leave him or leave the house." She choose to leave the house.
I then gather up the courage to say "I don't know where you come from or what you believe, but I am a Christian and I believe in prayer. Do you mind if I pray for you?" She said that she too was a Christian and would appreciate some prayer.
So in our living room at 2:15 in the morning with a winter storm brewing outside I was praying with my roommate and a stranger, someone who was at that instant homeless and clearly broken by the events that had just taken place.
Her boyfriend finally got there and she ran through the rain to his truck. I realize that if I hadn't been standing in the window at that moment she would still probably be out in the cold. I fully believe that God put me there at that exact moment to be a light in her deep darkness.
I will probably never see Heather again, but she will be in my prayers tonight and for a long time to come. May she will be in your prayers too.
Matthew
The Life I Dreamed
Friday, December 17, 2010
Today is an old friend's birthday. I met him in high school (he sat two seats behind me in IPC) and we ended up having the same life dream of working in the movie industry. We even went to the same college (although we only had one or two classes together). Checking out his photos on Facebook I start seeing other faces I know, people that I went to college with. And these people and my friend are doing exactly what I have dreamed of doing all of my life. I turned and went a different direction, but they are living out my life's dream. Yet I would have it no other way.
When I was a kid (think elementary school) my brother told me that I should grow up to be a pyrotechnic engineer. "What's that?" I asked. "It is someone who is paid to blow stuff up." he replied. "Cool! I want to do that!" was my obvious reply.
But that career dream didn't stay the same long. What I soon realized is that I didn't dream of being a pyrotechnic engineer, what I dreamed of is working on special effects on movie sets. And soon after that my dreames turned from working on special effects to just working on movie sets.
All through middle school and high school I wanted to work in the movies. I dreamed most of being a director (in this industry who doesn't?), but I really didn't care what job I was doing. "My life's dream is to, someday, watch a movie and at the end see my name. I don't care where my name is, first thing after the credits start rolling or last thing before the final logo, I just want to see it there."
And so the last two years of high school and my entire college career were focused on that one goal: getting my name in the credits of a movie. Of course the idea wasn't to stop there, the idea was to (in one way of putting it) get my name sooner and sooner in the credits until one day it would end up as the first name you see when the credits start rolling. I worked long and hard on this goal, it was what I lived for.
And what would you know? Not a month after I graduated college I was on the set of a FILM! Granted, it was a small budget film that was using mostly students to work it, but it was a full blown bonafide film set.
I met a lot of amazing people while working on that film, but I already knew a lot of the people I was working with (they were students with me at UNT). And surprise surprise who shows up but my friend from two seats behind me in IPC class, who has paralleled my education career and has ended up at the same place as me. We had a great time working on that set together.
Fast forward three years: I haven't set foot on a film set since the first week of January '08, and here I sit looking at photos of my friend from high school hanging out and working on film sets with all of my college RTVF buddies.
Sure, part of me longs for the good old days with my friends, moving lights around and setting up c-stands; it was the thing I have dreamed of doing for most of my life! And yet I wouldn't trade my life with theirs for ANYTHING! The reason why comes back to that cold first week of 2008 working on my first film set:
I hated it.
The reason is simple: working on that set was the most un-creative thing I have done in my entire life. The mantra of a grip/gaffer on set is "Do exactly what you are told, and do nothing else." For those that know me well: this didn't sit well with me!
I kept looking around the set and would try to make things "better". Not that I would step out of my role as a grip/gaffer, I was just trying to be the best at what I was doing. For example if asked to bring one apple box I would bring two just in case another was needed. I would think ahead and start putting gels on windows before I was asked to. I would clean up after people, and right other people's "wrongs" (that's my OCD speaking).
It took me a few days to figure out why everyone continually yelled at me.
See, my job was not to bring an extra apple box or think ahead. In fact my job was to not think at all! "Do exactly what you are told, and do nothing else." "I don't care if we will end up putting gels on those windows, I didn't tell you to do it, so why are you doing it?"
I was lost.
I was in a world that dumbs you down, a world that doesn't want you to think for yourself, a world that demands that you eat the crumbs that have fallen off of the master's plate long before you earn the right to ever get a full bite to eat, much less the feast they advertise in the "Special Features" section of "The Matrix" DVD.
And so I entered the second week of January '08 with my dreams shattered, completely deflated, crushed. And yet I wouldn't have it any other way!
See: on the surface those two weeks were a huge sudden change for me, an absolute shock to my system. And yet they totally play into a much more subtle story, one that goes back just as far as the last story and one that would continue to this day (and beyond).
Back when I was telling everyone that I wanted to be a pyrotechnic engineer I was also telling everyone that I was a Christian. But that was a lie.
In middle school I fell into pornography. I was addicted like a drunk wants a drink. I planned my day around it, and I became very good at hiding what I was really doing on the computer all those hours.
And after every "session" I felt the guilt. I knew it was wrong. I knew what I was doing was against God's will. And yet I kept doing it.
I was living a lie. I wore Christian shirts to school to feel righteous, but would then go home and defy God with all that I was. And it wasn't just the pornography. I wasn't going to church, I didn't read my Bible, I was spiritually dead.
Sure I could quote you John 3:16 and I knew the Sunday School stories of Noah and Moses. But my heart cared more about the pleasures of this life than about God. In reality I was the worst kind of Christian there is: a Cultural Christian; one that proclaims Jesus as his Lord but never actually lives it.
The Bible uses the illustration of a fruit bearing tree. "Likewise, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit." (Luke 7:17-18, NIV).
At that time in my life what fruit was I bearing? Well I wasn't reading scripture, I wasn't going to church, and I was spending all of my time watching TV and pornography. Looks like I was bearing bad fruit.
Yet I am not the same today, so what changed? Well I wish that I could say that some bright light knocked some sense into me, or even that there was one passionate night of prayer at youth camp. But it was nothing exciting as that. In fact it is downright boring: After (quite randomly) deciding to give up pornography in college I began a slow U-turn, changing from someone in love with self into someone in love with God. I love the term "repent" and the imagery it brings to mind. The word literally means to turn 180 degrees and go in the opposite direction. I now live a repentant life: I have turned away from my sin and I am going in the other direction.
And smack dab in the middle of this U-turn was January 1st 2008, the best/worst week of my life, working my dream job as those same dreams came crashing down around me.
If the Devil were in charge of me them there is no telling what would have happened to me after that. Gone back to pornography? Probably. Fallen in with the wrong crowd? Maybe. Become so depressed that there would be no light at the end of the tunnel? Most definitely.
But God wouldn't have that! In fact I am convinced that God saw this coming! See, four years before my dreams vanished like cupcakes at a children's party my brother somehow convinced me to start helping out with sound at a small country church. (Nowadays I think he did it because he didn't care about why I was going to church, as long as I was there.)
Over the next four years that little charity act by my brother became a full blown passion in my life. I became head of the AV team at one of the fastest growing Methodist churches in America (not a little country church any more, is it?), and I was also volunteering at the largest church in Denton at their night and college services.
So while the Devil was ready to tear me down by ripping away my life's dream, God revealed that he had already built a different foundation for me to step onto, a passion that to this day is still the focus of my life.
I eat and breathe church media. My day revolves around it. The only reason I am running a small business on the side is that the church can't pay me full time wages (which makes sense because it isn't a full time position). If it doesn't involve church media, family, or a way to pay the rent at the end of the month, chances are I am probably not doing it (which may just explain why I am still single... but I digress!).
And I blame (PRAISE!) God for all of this! I believe that He was working through my brother in 2003 when he convinced me to help out at the church. And I believe that He continued to work through me so that when my dreams shattered one cold week in January 2008 He could reveal to me that my true passion in life made my old dreams look like a faded black and white TV set.
Fast forward three years. I sit here tonight looking at photos of my high school friend. He has continued down the path that I once dreamed of, working on film sets with all of my old college RTVF buddies.
And I (thank God!) would have it no other way.
Matthew
PS: To read about my addiction to pornography, read this post.
When I was a kid (think elementary school) my brother told me that I should grow up to be a pyrotechnic engineer. "What's that?" I asked. "It is someone who is paid to blow stuff up." he replied. "Cool! I want to do that!" was my obvious reply.
But that career dream didn't stay the same long. What I soon realized is that I didn't dream of being a pyrotechnic engineer, what I dreamed of is working on special effects on movie sets. And soon after that my dreames turned from working on special effects to just working on movie sets.
All through middle school and high school I wanted to work in the movies. I dreamed most of being a director (in this industry who doesn't?), but I really didn't care what job I was doing. "My life's dream is to, someday, watch a movie and at the end see my name. I don't care where my name is, first thing after the credits start rolling or last thing before the final logo, I just want to see it there."
And so the last two years of high school and my entire college career were focused on that one goal: getting my name in the credits of a movie. Of course the idea wasn't to stop there, the idea was to (in one way of putting it) get my name sooner and sooner in the credits until one day it would end up as the first name you see when the credits start rolling. I worked long and hard on this goal, it was what I lived for.
And what would you know? Not a month after I graduated college I was on the set of a FILM! Granted, it was a small budget film that was using mostly students to work it, but it was a full blown bonafide film set.
I met a lot of amazing people while working on that film, but I already knew a lot of the people I was working with (they were students with me at UNT). And surprise surprise who shows up but my friend from two seats behind me in IPC class, who has paralleled my education career and has ended up at the same place as me. We had a great time working on that set together.
Fast forward three years: I haven't set foot on a film set since the first week of January '08, and here I sit looking at photos of my friend from high school hanging out and working on film sets with all of my college RTVF buddies.
Sure, part of me longs for the good old days with my friends, moving lights around and setting up c-stands; it was the thing I have dreamed of doing for most of my life! And yet I wouldn't trade my life with theirs for ANYTHING! The reason why comes back to that cold first week of 2008 working on my first film set:
I hated it.
The reason is simple: working on that set was the most un-creative thing I have done in my entire life. The mantra of a grip/gaffer on set is "Do exactly what you are told, and do nothing else." For those that know me well: this didn't sit well with me!
I kept looking around the set and would try to make things "better". Not that I would step out of my role as a grip/gaffer, I was just trying to be the best at what I was doing. For example if asked to bring one apple box I would bring two just in case another was needed. I would think ahead and start putting gels on windows before I was asked to. I would clean up after people, and right other people's "wrongs" (that's my OCD speaking).
It took me a few days to figure out why everyone continually yelled at me.
See, my job was not to bring an extra apple box or think ahead. In fact my job was to not think at all! "Do exactly what you are told, and do nothing else." "I don't care if we will end up putting gels on those windows, I didn't tell you to do it, so why are you doing it?"
I was lost.
I was in a world that dumbs you down, a world that doesn't want you to think for yourself, a world that demands that you eat the crumbs that have fallen off of the master's plate long before you earn the right to ever get a full bite to eat, much less the feast they advertise in the "Special Features" section of "The Matrix" DVD.
And so I entered the second week of January '08 with my dreams shattered, completely deflated, crushed. And yet I wouldn't have it any other way!
See: on the surface those two weeks were a huge sudden change for me, an absolute shock to my system. And yet they totally play into a much more subtle story, one that goes back just as far as the last story and one that would continue to this day (and beyond).
Back when I was telling everyone that I wanted to be a pyrotechnic engineer I was also telling everyone that I was a Christian. But that was a lie.
In middle school I fell into pornography. I was addicted like a drunk wants a drink. I planned my day around it, and I became very good at hiding what I was really doing on the computer all those hours.
And after every "session" I felt the guilt. I knew it was wrong. I knew what I was doing was against God's will. And yet I kept doing it.
I was living a lie. I wore Christian shirts to school to feel righteous, but would then go home and defy God with all that I was. And it wasn't just the pornography. I wasn't going to church, I didn't read my Bible, I was spiritually dead.
Sure I could quote you John 3:16 and I knew the Sunday School stories of Noah and Moses. But my heart cared more about the pleasures of this life than about God. In reality I was the worst kind of Christian there is: a Cultural Christian; one that proclaims Jesus as his Lord but never actually lives it.
The Bible uses the illustration of a fruit bearing tree. "Likewise, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit." (Luke 7:17-18, NIV).
At that time in my life what fruit was I bearing? Well I wasn't reading scripture, I wasn't going to church, and I was spending all of my time watching TV and pornography. Looks like I was bearing bad fruit.
Yet I am not the same today, so what changed? Well I wish that I could say that some bright light knocked some sense into me, or even that there was one passionate night of prayer at youth camp. But it was nothing exciting as that. In fact it is downright boring: After (quite randomly) deciding to give up pornography in college I began a slow U-turn, changing from someone in love with self into someone in love with God. I love the term "repent" and the imagery it brings to mind. The word literally means to turn 180 degrees and go in the opposite direction. I now live a repentant life: I have turned away from my sin and I am going in the other direction.
And smack dab in the middle of this U-turn was January 1st 2008, the best/worst week of my life, working my dream job as those same dreams came crashing down around me.
If the Devil were in charge of me them there is no telling what would have happened to me after that. Gone back to pornography? Probably. Fallen in with the wrong crowd? Maybe. Become so depressed that there would be no light at the end of the tunnel? Most definitely.
But God wouldn't have that! In fact I am convinced that God saw this coming! See, four years before my dreams vanished like cupcakes at a children's party my brother somehow convinced me to start helping out with sound at a small country church. (Nowadays I think he did it because he didn't care about why I was going to church, as long as I was there.)
Over the next four years that little charity act by my brother became a full blown passion in my life. I became head of the AV team at one of the fastest growing Methodist churches in America (not a little country church any more, is it?), and I was also volunteering at the largest church in Denton at their night and college services.
So while the Devil was ready to tear me down by ripping away my life's dream, God revealed that he had already built a different foundation for me to step onto, a passion that to this day is still the focus of my life.
I eat and breathe church media. My day revolves around it. The only reason I am running a small business on the side is that the church can't pay me full time wages (which makes sense because it isn't a full time position). If it doesn't involve church media, family, or a way to pay the rent at the end of the month, chances are I am probably not doing it (which may just explain why I am still single... but I digress!).
And I blame (PRAISE!) God for all of this! I believe that He was working through my brother in 2003 when he convinced me to help out at the church. And I believe that He continued to work through me so that when my dreams shattered one cold week in January 2008 He could reveal to me that my true passion in life made my old dreams look like a faded black and white TV set.
Fast forward three years. I sit here tonight looking at photos of my high school friend. He has continued down the path that I once dreamed of, working on film sets with all of my old college RTVF buddies.
And I (thank God!) would have it no other way.
Matthew
PS: To read about my addiction to pornography, read this post.
DCI
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Tonight was an amazing night! For the first time I got to see a DCI show LIVE! It was a great show and I had a fun time hanging out with my roommate.
And I took photos. Lots of photos.
OK, not lots of photos like my brother would take lots of photos, but in the four hours we were in the stadium I took 113 photos and 12 videos. So I am creating a post on my much neglected blog to share many of those photos and videos with you. So here we go!
NOTE: I recently purchased my first iPhone and I haven't had a chance to compare my old point-and-shoot (a DCS-1050 from Norcent) to the iPhone 4 camera. So the below photos are a mixture of both iPhone photos and point-and-shoot photos. The site that I am using to host the photos (PhotoBucket) is compressing the images, so you won't get a full comparison between the two cameras, but you will still be able to notice the difference. I just wanted to point this out to explain why some photos look different.
NOTE 2: Click on photos to see a much larger version (though, as stated above, it is still not the original photo).
Vigilantes - Denton, TX
The show started off with a small local corps.
Music City - Nashville, TN
Another small corps, but not local.
Forte - Grand Prairie, TX
Another small corps, this time local again. (Trust me, the commentary gets better later.)
Velvet Knights - Pasadena, CA
The Velvet Knights were a BLAST to watch, probably the band that had the most fun on field tonight. They were dancing and being super creative, all while wearing bright red Converse shoes.
Revolution - San Antonio, TX
The first band of decent size, Revolution was fun to watch.
Crossmen - San Antonio, TX
The first "World Class" corps, the Crossmen were a great watch.
(taken via camera, for comparison)
(taken via iPhone, for comparison)
Madison Scouts - Madison, WI
I enjoy watching the Madison Scouts, if only because I was a Boy Scout once! Great team to watch!
Blue Stars - La Crosse, WI
My roommate and I agree: the Blue Stars were the most fun to watch all night long! Their theme was based on Houdini, and they made great use of the theme. For example, for the first few minutes all of the color guard are in straight jackets, yet they still find ways to twirl their flags while "struggling" to get free. Very well done!
Carolina Crown - Ft. Mill, SC
I had never heard of the Carolina Crown before, but they were an amazing corps. Very well executed!
(panorama via AutoStitch for iPhone)
The Cadets - Allentown, PA
Coming into this competition I had a bias: I am a huge fan of The Cadets. This year's theme was "Toy Soldier", and they pulled if off very well.
The Cavaliers - Rosemont, IL
The Cavaliers are the home town favorites, and they didn't disappoint! It wasn't a huge surprise when they won best of show. They deserved it!
Encore - by The Cavaliers
(panorama via to Photoshop)
Awards
Final Scores - World Class
91.85 The Cavaliers
90.05 Carolina Crown
89.25 The Cadets
87.2 Blue Stars
83.0 Madison Scouts
77.1 Crossmen
Final Scores - Open Class
79.85 Revolution
74.65 Forte
73.8 Music City
72.6 Velvet Knights
Special thanks to:
Luke, my coworker, who let me off tonight. Super Thanks!
PhotoBucket for hosting the photos
YouTube for hosting the videos
A Better Finder Attributes for helping me to fix the 42 minute lag from one of my cameras.
Matthew
And I took photos. Lots of photos.
OK, not lots of photos like my brother would take lots of photos, but in the four hours we were in the stadium I took 113 photos and 12 videos. So I am creating a post on my much neglected blog to share many of those photos and videos with you. So here we go!
NOTE: I recently purchased my first iPhone and I haven't had a chance to compare my old point-and-shoot (a DCS-1050 from Norcent) to the iPhone 4 camera. So the below photos are a mixture of both iPhone photos and point-and-shoot photos. The site that I am using to host the photos (PhotoBucket) is compressing the images, so you won't get a full comparison between the two cameras, but you will still be able to notice the difference. I just wanted to point this out to explain why some photos look different.
NOTE 2: Click on photos to see a much larger version (though, as stated above, it is still not the original photo).
Vigilantes - Denton, TX
The show started off with a small local corps.
Music City - Nashville, TN
Another small corps, but not local.
Forte - Grand Prairie, TX
Another small corps, this time local again. (Trust me, the commentary gets better later.)
Velvet Knights - Pasadena, CA
The Velvet Knights were a BLAST to watch, probably the band that had the most fun on field tonight. They were dancing and being super creative, all while wearing bright red Converse shoes.
Revolution - San Antonio, TX
The first band of decent size, Revolution was fun to watch.
Crossmen - San Antonio, TX
The first "World Class" corps, the Crossmen were a great watch.
(taken via camera, for comparison)
(taken via iPhone, for comparison)
Madison Scouts - Madison, WI
I enjoy watching the Madison Scouts, if only because I was a Boy Scout once! Great team to watch!
Blue Stars - La Crosse, WI
My roommate and I agree: the Blue Stars were the most fun to watch all night long! Their theme was based on Houdini, and they made great use of the theme. For example, for the first few minutes all of the color guard are in straight jackets, yet they still find ways to twirl their flags while "struggling" to get free. Very well done!
Carolina Crown - Ft. Mill, SC
I had never heard of the Carolina Crown before, but they were an amazing corps. Very well executed!
(panorama via AutoStitch for iPhone)
The Cadets - Allentown, PA
Coming into this competition I had a bias: I am a huge fan of The Cadets. This year's theme was "Toy Soldier", and they pulled if off very well.
The Cavaliers - Rosemont, IL
The Cavaliers are the home town favorites, and they didn't disappoint! It wasn't a huge surprise when they won best of show. They deserved it!
Encore - by The Cavaliers
(panorama via to Photoshop)
Awards
Final Scores - World Class
91.85 The Cavaliers
90.05 Carolina Crown
89.25 The Cadets
87.2 Blue Stars
83.0 Madison Scouts
77.1 Crossmen
Final Scores - Open Class
79.85 Revolution
74.65 Forte
73.8 Music City
72.6 Velvet Knights
Special thanks to:
Luke, my coworker, who let me off tonight. Super Thanks!
PhotoBucket for hosting the photos
YouTube for hosting the videos
A Better Finder Attributes for helping me to fix the 42 minute lag from one of my cameras.
Matthew
Quote of the day
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Quote of the day: "This is America, we focus on what we want to. That's our right. That's what freedom is. Some people are all about education, some people could give a crap. Some people care about disease and ending malaria, some people want to put socks on troops, some people want to eat donuts, some people want to eat cookies. It's a choice; it's a freedom; it's America!" ~OhDoctah (AKA Owen JJ Stone) on This Week in Tech
Words of Guilt
Saturday, March 06, 2010
"Words of Guilt" by Matthew Kelling
Words fill the screen,
pages and pages,
words forever.
He reads the words,
filled with awe,
wonder, excitement.
He is transfixed by the words,
he reads them as they scroll by,
on and on, page after page.
The words give meaning to his life,
define him, console him
in the most pleasant of ways.
He has to stop,
but the words cry out for him to continue,
he feels the guilt,
but the rapture he feels doesn't care,
deep down he knows,
but up above the thoughts are pushed aside.
The words keep scrolling,
faster, faster,
the beat of his heart keeps time,
faster, faster.
Suddenly he stops!
not because there are no more words to read
(oh there are so many more),
but because the deed is done.
Now the guilt pours in,
it drowns him,
buckets of guilt,
shame, pain.
Is this who he is?
Defined by such words,
and nothing else?
"What have I done?"
"The promises I have broken..."
"The pain I have caused..."
Again,
...again,
......again.
"Why, God, why?"
"Make me stop!"
"This was the last time!"
Again,
...again,
......again.
"Unworthy as I am,
how could you ever forgive me?"
"...am I forgiven?"
His soul cries out for the crimes he committed,
but deep down inside
he knows he will commit again.
*****
Why does mankind lust? Is it because of some deep primal urge brought on since the beginning of time? Is it culture and media pressing their agenda onto us? Is it our wicked flesh getting the better of us? Is it demons attacking us while we are defenseless?
Regardless of the reason, I know I am forgiven.
Will I commit again? I hope not, but there is a chance. One thing I know is that there are no words of lust, no pictures of cute girls, no videos of obscene acts that could ever separate me from the love and forgiveness of Jesus Christ. Amen.
~Matthew Kelling
Words fill the screen,
pages and pages,
words forever.
He reads the words,
filled with awe,
wonder, excitement.
He is transfixed by the words,
he reads them as they scroll by,
on and on, page after page.
The words give meaning to his life,
define him, console him
in the most pleasant of ways.
He has to stop,
but the words cry out for him to continue,
he feels the guilt,
but the rapture he feels doesn't care,
deep down he knows,
but up above the thoughts are pushed aside.
The words keep scrolling,
faster, faster,
the beat of his heart keeps time,
faster, faster.
Suddenly he stops!
not because there are no more words to read
(oh there are so many more),
but because the deed is done.
Now the guilt pours in,
it drowns him,
buckets of guilt,
shame, pain.
Is this who he is?
Defined by such words,
and nothing else?
"What have I done?"
"The promises I have broken..."
"The pain I have caused..."
Again,
...again,
......again.
"Why, God, why?"
"Make me stop!"
"This was the last time!"
Again,
...again,
......again.
"Unworthy as I am,
how could you ever forgive me?"
"...am I forgiven?"
His soul cries out for the crimes he committed,
but deep down inside
he knows he will commit again.
*****
Why does mankind lust? Is it because of some deep primal urge brought on since the beginning of time? Is it culture and media pressing their agenda onto us? Is it our wicked flesh getting the better of us? Is it demons attacking us while we are defenseless?
Regardless of the reason, I know I am forgiven.
Will I commit again? I hope not, but there is a chance. One thing I know is that there are no words of lust, no pictures of cute girls, no videos of obscene acts that could ever separate me from the love and forgiveness of Jesus Christ. Amen.
~Matthew Kelling
"Rockin Songs"
Thursday, March 04, 2010
Here is my (old) iTunes playlist that I have always worked out to. I am now creating a new playlist as this one is a bit old and needs refreshing. Clicking on a song will open the playlist in iTunes, once there you can preview all of the songs.
Matthew
Matthew
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