More Crap...

OK, so those of you that haven't talke to me in a while, ya, my life sucks right now).

Rhonda broke down (got her fixed).
My internet is out (I am writing this from work).

And I can't think of anything else right now. I know it doesn't sound like a lot, but I think what is getting me most agrivated is just how the world is against me. OK, that sounds melodramatic, but it seams like every little thing is going wrong, that Murphy has moved in with me. It is hard to explain without sounding silly (or very detailed), but it seams like I am getting all red lights when I drive... not only am I REALLY hitting EVERY red light when I drive, but that is also a good metaphor about how I feel in every aspect of my life. If it could go wrong right now, it will. And my anger and frustration just grows and grows day by day.

Some people, when faced with bad times, turn to religion for help. Me, hard times drive me away from religion. Not that I am becoming less of a Christian (or am I?), but it makes me question my faith more, makes me question God more, makes me question why I am putting up with this for little earthly gain. I know in my heart that I have centered my life on heavenly things so that I will receive heavenly gains, but my body is aching for some earthly relief (and I don't mean that I want a mud bath).

I feel like I have blogged this before, so this may be repeating myself, but right now there is nothing you (the reader) can say to make me feel better. "Don't worry, it will get better soon" doesn't make me feel any better. "Everyone goes through hard times/I have been though similar things" doesn't make it any easier for me. "You will grow stronger because of this/God is leading you through this" just doesn't help. "Read the Bible/Psalms, it will help you" no it won't.

So what will help? This crap to go away! Problem is: there is a small part inside of me that says "This won't go away until you have a better attitude about it", but my reply is "I won't get a better attitude about this until it goes away." A catch 22.

So I post here again, knowing that what I type won't help (outside of figguring things out for myself). When I type this, I am not looking for answers, reassurment, or even a hug (although that would feel nice... Stephen, don't even think about driving up here, because even a hug would be short lived). The only thing that I can ask from you is prayer. Please continue to pray for me, every night, every day, every time you think about me. It is the only way to get these demons away from me.

And to get back to an earlier point, this is one of the reasons why my religion is hurt during these times: I pray, and pray, and pray, and I know that others are praying for me, but honestly, things have only gotten worse in the last two weeks... why does it get worse when my prayers get more? (And now that I say that, I have to admit that it is wrong, I don't pray more now... because my faith has shurnk. It is hard to pray when faith is lacking.)

OK, so this post went different places than I thought it would go, but it includes all feeling I have been feeling for a while. Please just continue to pray, I am desperate for help.

Matthew