Tonight's post is a two-for-one!
First: Thanks everyone for your support about my post the other day. I have received support here, on the phone, and via e-mail. It is good to know that I have a support group built into my family. It is also good that my fight is not for naught... Sometimes I wonder if I am the only one on the planet that has made this decision; now I know that I am not alone, and it is worth fighting.
Second: Tonight I drove down to Fort Worth for my brother's birthday party. Do you know what is the worst part about going to a brother's birthday party? You have to get him a present. For example, if you go to a friend's party, you can slip in late and not bring anything; or you can find an excuse ("I didn't know about it until an hour ago"); or you could just hope that a hug is enough.
BUT NOT when he is your BROTHER!
Oh, and what sucks even more: My birthday is in THIRTY NINE days! If I don't get him anything, HE WILL REMEMBER, and get me coals or something. However, if he forgets to get me something, than I have an entire ELEVEN MONTHS to forget about it.
*sigh*
Life is so unfair.
Matthew
PS: I ended up giving him a TV antenna. I bought it for myself, but never needed it; on the other hand, he needs it bad! Oh, and it was cheap. It works out.
Just to be clear...
Friday, September 28, 2007
I was talking to Stephen, and I think that I should clarify something:
While I am struggling with the after-math of this, I have not viewed porn in about two years. In other words, it is not a recent decision, it has been a while.
Matthew
While I am struggling with the after-math of this, I have not viewed porn in about two years. In other words, it is not a recent decision, it has been a while.
Matthew
"It is finished"
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Well, this is it. This is a post ten years in the making. I am finally ready to come out and publicly confess what has been a secret in my life. The following post is a long and deep discussion, so I would recommend that you take 30 minutes and read this by yourself when you can concentrate and not be distracted. I should also point out that this is an "adult" post, so Drew, cover your eyes.
I have wrestled with telling this story. To my knowledge, no one knows about this (some people might have a few hints). At first, I thought about telling only one or two close people, but the time never felt right. Then I thought about blogging about it. At first, I rejected the idea, but the more I thought about it, the more sense it made. Here are a few benefits of making it public:
This keeps me from having to tell this long involved story 25 times!
This keeps me from having to keep it a secret between a few people. From now on, I can openly talk to everyone about this (more on this later).
To a certain level, this works as a public confessional for me. From now on, I have no more secrets. I hope to keep this a theme in my life.
This can act as a testimony for others that have gone though what I have. I hope that others can benefit from my story (Denton Bible Church has an "AA" style meeting about this addiction, but I learned about it too late and never attended).
So, I have done a lot of thinking about it, and while some people may not agree with a public confessional like this, I feel like it is the best solution.
By now, you must be thinking the worst about me, and I can say that you are probably wrong. Now that I look back, it is a very common struggle. And, the name of my problem is...
*drum roll*
*pause*
... going to be made public right after this announcement from our sponsor.
"Hello friends. I’m your Vitameatavegamin girl, are you tired, run-down, listless. Do you poop-out at parties? Are you unpopular? The answer to all your problems is in this little bottle. Vitameatavegamin, yes Vitameatavegamin contains vitamins, meat, vegetables, and minerals yes with Vitameatavegamin you can spoon your way to health. All you do is take a big tablespoon full after every meal ... it’s so tasty too! Taste just like candy, so why don’t you join the thousands of happy peppy people and get a great big bottle of Vitameatavegamin tomorrow that’s vita-meata-vegamin."
OK, now we are back. To make such a big deal about this now seams almost laughable, but it has been the darkest secret that I have ever kept. I used to be addicted to pornography. There, I said it. Happy now?
No, really. I was addicted to the worst of the worst. I am not talking about your average "XXX Video Store" stuff here, I am talking about the lowest smut that you can find on the internet (for free, of course).
Now, I have to stop and make two caveats:
While I have been addicted to lust, I have not done anything physical that I regret. I have always kept it in my mind and have never crossed that line. I am a virgin, and plan on being that way until my wedding night.
I have always considered myself straight. While most of my viewing pleasure revolved around other things, I have always thought and planned (in "real life") on having a wife and kids (this subject will have to be expanded on in another post).
OK, back to the story. As I said, I was addicted to some bad smut. It included images, videos, text, and while not at my computer, thoughts and ideas. It followed me everywhere. I always knew it was wrong; I never talked myself out of that. I would always feel guilty afterward, I would ask God to forgive me, and ask him to never let me do it again. And I was honest in these feelings: I didn't want to do it again... until the next night.
While I felt bad about it, I never promised that I would stop. Sure, I would feel bad enough to stop for a few days, a few weeks, a month or two. But then I would slowly drop back in. The reason that I never made a promise to stop is that I knew that if I did, then I would slowly drop back in, thus breaking a promise to God: something that I did NOT want to do.
Then one night, something inside of me clicked (this was about two years ago). I don't know what it was, but I gave up for the last time. I promised God that I would never lust again. And while I consider that I have not broken this promise, I have come close.
This has been the hardest fight of my life. Immediately after I made the promise, it was easy to stop (I had done it before). But in the months following, it has gotten harder and harder. Sometimes, I will just be sitting there, and an explosion of images and thoughts flood my mind. In these cases, it is less of a temptation and more of a flashback. The thoughts shoot into my brain at the most inopportune times (at church, for example). Other times, there are temptations. On TV, ads on the internet, junk mail, people walking down the street. It is so easy for these things to trigger lustful temptations.
It is like a heavyset person that lost 100 pounds. They still have to drive down the road and see a Mc. Donald's on every other street corner. Every time they see the Arches, that old grumbly in the tumbly comes back; their mouth waters, and they can taste the Big Mac and fries. But they know that just one trip will ruin their life again. It is the same way for me. I am constantly bombarded with outside images that I must control.
I have said that this has been the hardest fight of my life, and I mean that. For the last few months, my temptations have gotten worse and worse. I find myself visiting sites that aren't sexual in nature, but are perverse in their own way (as an "excuse" to look at something). I spend longer looking at some things than I ought. And the thoughts in my head are getting harder and harder to ignore.
I believe that this is why I feel led to post this right now. I have been praying that the demons get off of me, but it just isn't working. I think that this is a cry out for help; a cry for external prayer and support. I once thought that this would be easy for the rest of my life, but right now, I struggle with it daily.
There is much more to this discussion, and I know that you probably have many questions. I have opened posts at both Ludus and the Kelling Forums on this topic. Feel free to post there, or reply to this post here.
OK, this has gone on way too long. I planned on saying a lot more, but it will have to wait. I hope that this pushes a new openness for me and others around me.
Matthew
PS: It has been five days since I first wrote this (I wanted some time to think and make sure it was the right thing to do). The two things that keep bouncing around in my head are:
1. How am I so different? In America, it is accepted to be addicted to porn; it is "normal" to boast about this type of stuff. Why have I kept it a secret for so long?
2. Because it is "normal" to do these things, I have come to see that there is no need for me to be ashamed about my past; in fact, I should be proud of the accomplishments I have made. This is one more reason that I should put under the "reasons why I am making this post public."
Also, since writing it, I can say that I have felt less tempted. I have noticed a change. I don't know if the reason is personal (I have grown stronger) or spiritual (by writing it down it shows the demons that I am serious). I hope that this will be a change for the better.
I have wrestled with telling this story. To my knowledge, no one knows about this (some people might have a few hints). At first, I thought about telling only one or two close people, but the time never felt right. Then I thought about blogging about it. At first, I rejected the idea, but the more I thought about it, the more sense it made. Here are a few benefits of making it public:
This keeps me from having to tell this long involved story 25 times!
This keeps me from having to keep it a secret between a few people. From now on, I can openly talk to everyone about this (more on this later).
To a certain level, this works as a public confessional for me. From now on, I have no more secrets. I hope to keep this a theme in my life.
This can act as a testimony for others that have gone though what I have. I hope that others can benefit from my story (Denton Bible Church has an "AA" style meeting about this addiction, but I learned about it too late and never attended).
So, I have done a lot of thinking about it, and while some people may not agree with a public confessional like this, I feel like it is the best solution.
By now, you must be thinking the worst about me, and I can say that you are probably wrong. Now that I look back, it is a very common struggle. And, the name of my problem is...
*drum roll*
*pause*
... going to be made public right after this announcement from our sponsor.
"Hello friends. I’m your Vitameatavegamin girl, are you tired, run-down, listless. Do you poop-out at parties? Are you unpopular? The answer to all your problems is in this little bottle. Vitameatavegamin, yes Vitameatavegamin contains vitamins, meat, vegetables, and minerals yes with Vitameatavegamin you can spoon your way to health. All you do is take a big tablespoon full after every meal ... it’s so tasty too! Taste just like candy, so why don’t you join the thousands of happy peppy people and get a great big bottle of Vitameatavegamin tomorrow that’s vita-meata-vegamin."
OK, now we are back. To make such a big deal about this now seams almost laughable, but it has been the darkest secret that I have ever kept. I used to be addicted to pornography. There, I said it. Happy now?
No, really. I was addicted to the worst of the worst. I am not talking about your average "XXX Video Store" stuff here, I am talking about the lowest smut that you can find on the internet (for free, of course).
Now, I have to stop and make two caveats:
While I have been addicted to lust, I have not done anything physical that I regret. I have always kept it in my mind and have never crossed that line. I am a virgin, and plan on being that way until my wedding night.
I have always considered myself straight. While most of my viewing pleasure revolved around other things, I have always thought and planned (in "real life") on having a wife and kids (this subject will have to be expanded on in another post).
OK, back to the story. As I said, I was addicted to some bad smut. It included images, videos, text, and while not at my computer, thoughts and ideas. It followed me everywhere. I always knew it was wrong; I never talked myself out of that. I would always feel guilty afterward, I would ask God to forgive me, and ask him to never let me do it again. And I was honest in these feelings: I didn't want to do it again... until the next night.
While I felt bad about it, I never promised that I would stop. Sure, I would feel bad enough to stop for a few days, a few weeks, a month or two. But then I would slowly drop back in. The reason that I never made a promise to stop is that I knew that if I did, then I would slowly drop back in, thus breaking a promise to God: something that I did NOT want to do.
Then one night, something inside of me clicked (this was about two years ago). I don't know what it was, but I gave up for the last time. I promised God that I would never lust again. And while I consider that I have not broken this promise, I have come close.
This has been the hardest fight of my life. Immediately after I made the promise, it was easy to stop (I had done it before). But in the months following, it has gotten harder and harder. Sometimes, I will just be sitting there, and an explosion of images and thoughts flood my mind. In these cases, it is less of a temptation and more of a flashback. The thoughts shoot into my brain at the most inopportune times (at church, for example). Other times, there are temptations. On TV, ads on the internet, junk mail, people walking down the street. It is so easy for these things to trigger lustful temptations.
It is like a heavyset person that lost 100 pounds. They still have to drive down the road and see a Mc. Donald's on every other street corner. Every time they see the Arches, that old grumbly in the tumbly comes back; their mouth waters, and they can taste the Big Mac and fries. But they know that just one trip will ruin their life again. It is the same way for me. I am constantly bombarded with outside images that I must control.
I have said that this has been the hardest fight of my life, and I mean that. For the last few months, my temptations have gotten worse and worse. I find myself visiting sites that aren't sexual in nature, but are perverse in their own way (as an "excuse" to look at something). I spend longer looking at some things than I ought. And the thoughts in my head are getting harder and harder to ignore.
I believe that this is why I feel led to post this right now. I have been praying that the demons get off of me, but it just isn't working. I think that this is a cry out for help; a cry for external prayer and support. I once thought that this would be easy for the rest of my life, but right now, I struggle with it daily.
There is much more to this discussion, and I know that you probably have many questions. I have opened posts at both Ludus and the Kelling Forums on this topic. Feel free to post there, or reply to this post here.
OK, this has gone on way too long. I planned on saying a lot more, but it will have to wait. I hope that this pushes a new openness for me and others around me.
Matthew
PS: It has been five days since I first wrote this (I wanted some time to think and make sure it was the right thing to do). The two things that keep bouncing around in my head are:
1. How am I so different? In America, it is accepted to be addicted to porn; it is "normal" to boast about this type of stuff. Why have I kept it a secret for so long?
2. Because it is "normal" to do these things, I have come to see that there is no need for me to be ashamed about my past; in fact, I should be proud of the accomplishments I have made. This is one more reason that I should put under the "reasons why I am making this post public."
Also, since writing it, I can say that I have felt less tempted. I have noticed a change. I don't know if the reason is personal (I have grown stronger) or spiritual (by writing it down it shows the demons that I am serious). I hope that this will be a change for the better.
Mad
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
I am mad
I have been exercising recently, and want to swim more; but I need some goggles and ear plugs.
So tonight, after church, I took the cross-town trip to Wal-Mart. I got there at 10:55, and noted that they lock one entrance at 11. No problem, they still have the other half. I first look at the TVs, then find what I need. I then go back to the TVs (yes, guys do this), glanced at the computer games, and laughed at the two college kids that were overly excited because Wal-Mart had Halo 3 in stock. I then made my way to the other half (the open half... they even close the registers on the closed half). It was 11:15.
The other half was swamped. And I don't men "wow, there are a lot of people in line, this might take a while," more of "wow, the entire city of Denton wants to leave Wal-Mart at the same time." They had only three registers open, and had at least 20 people in each line. I am not exaggerating. I counted. There were well over 10 carts waiting in each line. I am not exaggerating. I counted. I thought to myself, "OK, 75 people, 30+ carts, it will take, what 30 minutes in each line? Forget that!" So I dumped my swim-wear in the Customer Center's buggy that said "Sporting Goods" and left.
I am furious. I realized what is making me so mad: Wal-Mart doesn't care about the lines. They won't loose my business, I will just go back tomorrow or the next day to buy the exact same products. Even if I go somewhere else, they loose, what, $.50, $1.00? On the other hand, I lost 45 minutes of my time, and the gas it took me to drive across town.
I am going to send them an e-mail, but I doubt I will hear back.
EDIT: ARG! I go to Walmart.com and get this:
Walmart.com Scheduled Maintenance
Walmart.com is temporarily unavailable while we make important upgrades to our site. We appreciate your patience and invite you to return soon.
I can't even complain they are so crappy!
Matthew
I have been exercising recently, and want to swim more; but I need some goggles and ear plugs.
So tonight, after church, I took the cross-town trip to Wal-Mart. I got there at 10:55, and noted that they lock one entrance at 11. No problem, they still have the other half. I first look at the TVs, then find what I need. I then go back to the TVs (yes, guys do this), glanced at the computer games, and laughed at the two college kids that were overly excited because Wal-Mart had Halo 3 in stock. I then made my way to the other half (the open half... they even close the registers on the closed half). It was 11:15.
The other half was swamped. And I don't men "wow, there are a lot of people in line, this might take a while," more of "wow, the entire city of Denton wants to leave Wal-Mart at the same time." They had only three registers open, and had at least 20 people in each line. I am not exaggerating. I counted. There were well over 10 carts waiting in each line. I am not exaggerating. I counted. I thought to myself, "OK, 75 people, 30+ carts, it will take, what 30 minutes in each line? Forget that!" So I dumped my swim-wear in the Customer Center's buggy that said "Sporting Goods" and left.
I am furious. I realized what is making me so mad: Wal-Mart doesn't care about the lines. They won't loose my business, I will just go back tomorrow or the next day to buy the exact same products. Even if I go somewhere else, they loose, what, $.50, $1.00? On the other hand, I lost 45 minutes of my time, and the gas it took me to drive across town.
I am going to send them an e-mail, but I doubt I will hear back.
EDIT: ARG! I go to Walmart.com and get this:
Walmart.com Scheduled Maintenance
Walmart.com is temporarily unavailable while we make important upgrades to our site. We appreciate your patience and invite you to return soon.
I can't even complain they are so crappy!
Matthew
Tired, but good
Monday, September 24, 2007
Today has been a long, tiring day, but good!
I was supposed to meet a client of mine out of town this morning at 8, so I was up by 7. She called me at 7:20 and canceled. I didn't have to be in class until 11. Three and a half hours to do nothing, and I was already tired... but I knew I couldn't go back to sleep.
So, I got some other random work done (like the post early this morning). I also turned in my graduation application... a week late, but I am now on the road to graduate in December! Yea!
I then went to class (snore), exercised (ouch), more class (double snore), and home to change for Chick-fil-A. Now the second good thing happened to me...
Last weekend, I left my iPod Shuffle in my brother's car. He said he would mail it to me, and he finally got around to it mid-week. I was expecting it Thursday, Friday, and Saturday... Surely it wouldn't take four days to make the 90 mile trip up I35. So when I didn't have it by Saturday, I had given up hope, and started looking for it on e-bay.
Today, I checked my mail, AND I GOT IT BACK! WEEEE!!! I am so happy!
So off to Chick-fil-A I go. More snooze! The fourth night in a row that I had to work in the back of the store... not bad, just not what I am used to, and not with the people I like to work with. Then, one of my managers said that she had a present for me, and gave me a large cardstock envelope:
A framed Certificate of Scholarship for the scholarship that Chick-fil-A gave me last month. Not as cool as a big check, but cool enough to hang on the wall and make it look like it is important.
Anywho, I have to shower. Hopefully tomorrow will be just as good as today.
Matthew
I was supposed to meet a client of mine out of town this morning at 8, so I was up by 7. She called me at 7:20 and canceled. I didn't have to be in class until 11. Three and a half hours to do nothing, and I was already tired... but I knew I couldn't go back to sleep.
So, I got some other random work done (like the post early this morning). I also turned in my graduation application... a week late, but I am now on the road to graduate in December! Yea!
I then went to class (snore), exercised (ouch), more class (double snore), and home to change for Chick-fil-A. Now the second good thing happened to me...
Last weekend, I left my iPod Shuffle in my brother's car. He said he would mail it to me, and he finally got around to it mid-week. I was expecting it Thursday, Friday, and Saturday... Surely it wouldn't take four days to make the 90 mile trip up I35. So when I didn't have it by Saturday, I had given up hope, and started looking for it on e-bay.
Today, I checked my mail, AND I GOT IT BACK! WEEEE!!! I am so happy!
So off to Chick-fil-A I go. More snooze! The fourth night in a row that I had to work in the back of the store... not bad, just not what I am used to, and not with the people I like to work with. Then, one of my managers said that she had a present for me, and gave me a large cardstock envelope:
A framed Certificate of Scholarship for the scholarship that Chick-fil-A gave me last month. Not as cool as a big check, but cool enough to hang on the wall and make it look like it is important.
Anywho, I have to shower. Hopefully tomorrow will be just as good as today.
Matthew
Snooze News
Ever wanted to watch me sleep?
Ya, me neither. But now you can!
I am trying a new program Dream Recorder. It is kinda fun; it records you while you sleep, and by watching how often you move, it can tell what sleep state you are in. Then, it can wake you at the best possible time.
While I won't spend the $45 on the program, it will be fun to try for 15 days.
Anywho, it creates web pages of the reports, so go check mine out!
Linky
In the video, the red things are my feet (my computer is at the foot of my bed). You can see my green alarm clock on the left, and the large blue square is my window (which you can see brighten in the last few frames). A frame is taken every two minutes.
Enjoy!
Matthew
Ya, me neither. But now you can!
I am trying a new program Dream Recorder. It is kinda fun; it records you while you sleep, and by watching how often you move, it can tell what sleep state you are in. Then, it can wake you at the best possible time.
While I won't spend the $45 on the program, it will be fun to try for 15 days.
Anywho, it creates web pages of the reports, so go check mine out!
Linky
In the video, the red things are my feet (my computer is at the foot of my bed). You can see my green alarm clock on the left, and the large blue square is my window (which you can see brighten in the last few frames). A frame is taken every two minutes.
Enjoy!
Matthew
phast?
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Well, I weighed myself today, and guess what? I am NOW less heavy than I was last week. Last week, I weighed in at 225.5 lbs, but today I was 221.5 lbs!
I don't know WHY I am down four pounds, but I hope it continues!
Matthew
I don't know WHY I am down four pounds, but I hope it continues!
Matthew
not so phast
Monday, September 17, 2007
So, I went to Wal-Mart last night to get food, and I went with the mentality that I am going to lower my calorie intake. So I bought some bars and snacks, because I have not been eating breakfast, and I wanted to start getting sugar in my body before 2 in the afternoon.
So I got stuff for Teachers Mix. For those of you outside of my family, Teachers Mix is a simple mix of Golden Grams, peanuts, and M&Ms.
Anywho, I made a large batch (larger than I thought it would be), and put them in plastic bags. I then did the math on how many calories are in each bag... and I wish I hadn't. These bags are big enough to be two snacks for me, but they still have OVER 1,000 calories EACH!
*sigh*
There goes eating good this week.
Matthew
So I got stuff for Teachers Mix. For those of you outside of my family, Teachers Mix is a simple mix of Golden Grams, peanuts, and M&Ms.
Anywho, I made a large batch (larger than I thought it would be), and put them in plastic bags. I then did the math on how many calories are in each bag... and I wish I hadn't. These bags are big enough to be two snacks for me, but they still have OVER 1,000 calories EACH!
*sigh*
There goes eating good this week.
Matthew
what time?
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Some people have way too much time on their hands! (thanks ThinkChristian)
(click to see full image)
Matthew
(click to see full image)
Matthew
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