Well, this is it. This is a post ten years in the making. I am finally ready to come out and publicly confess what has been a secret in my life. The following post is a long and deep discussion, so I would recommend that you take 30 minutes and read this by yourself when you can concentrate and not be distracted. I should also point out that this is an "adult" post, so Drew, cover your eyes.
I have wrestled with telling this story. To my knowledge, no one knows about this (some people might have a few hints). At first, I thought about telling only one or two close people, but the time never felt right. Then I thought about blogging about it. At first, I rejected the idea, but the more I thought about it, the more sense it made. Here are a few benefits of making it public:
This keeps me from having to tell this long involved story 25 times!
This keeps me from having to keep it a secret between a few people. From now on, I can openly talk to everyone about this (more on this later).
To a certain level, this works as a public confessional for me. From now on, I have no more secrets. I hope to keep this a theme in my life.
This can act as a testimony for others that have gone though what I have. I hope that others can benefit from my story (Denton Bible Church has an "AA" style meeting about this addiction, but I learned about it too late and never attended).
So, I have done a lot of thinking about it, and while some people may not agree with a public confessional like this, I feel like it is the best solution.
By now, you must be thinking the worst about me, and I can say that you are probably wrong. Now that I look back, it is a very common struggle. And, the name of my problem is...
*drum roll*
*pause*
... going to be made public right after this announcement from our sponsor.
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OK, now we are back. To make such a big deal about this now seams almost laughable, but it has been the darkest secret that I have ever kept. I used to be addicted to pornography. There, I said it. Happy now?
No, really. I was addicted to the worst of the worst. I am not talking about your average "XXX Video Store" stuff here, I am talking about the lowest smut that you can find on the internet (for free, of course).
Now, I have to stop and make two caveats:
While I have been addicted to lust, I have not done anything physical that I regret. I have always kept it in my mind and have never crossed that line. I am a virgin, and plan on being that way until my wedding night.
I have always considered myself straight. While most of my viewing pleasure revolved around other things, I have always thought and planned (in "real life") on having a wife and kids (this subject will have to be expanded on in another post).
OK, back to the story. As I said, I was addicted to some bad smut. It included images, videos, text, and while not at my computer, thoughts and ideas. It followed me everywhere. I always knew it was wrong; I never talked myself out of that. I would always feel guilty afterward, I would ask God to forgive me, and ask him to never let me do it again. And I was honest in these feelings: I didn't want to do it again... until the next night.
While I felt bad about it, I never promised that I would stop. Sure, I would feel bad enough to stop for a few days, a few weeks, a month or two. But then I would slowly drop back in. The reason that I never made a promise to stop is that I knew that if I did, then I would slowly drop back in, thus breaking a promise to God: something that I did NOT want to do.
Then one night, something inside of me clicked (this was about two years ago). I don't know what it was, but I gave up for the last time. I promised God that I would never lust again. And while I consider that I have not broken this promise, I have come close.
This has been the hardest fight of my life. Immediately after I made the promise, it was easy to stop (I had done it before). But in the months following, it has gotten harder and harder. Sometimes, I will just be sitting there, and an explosion of images and thoughts flood my mind. In these cases, it is less of a temptation and more of a flashback. The thoughts shoot into my brain at the most inopportune times (at church, for example). Other times, there are temptations. On TV, ads on the internet, junk mail, people walking down the street. It is so easy for these things to trigger lustful temptations.
It is like a heavyset person that lost 100 pounds. They still have to drive down the road and see a Mc. Donald's on every other street corner. Every time they see the Arches, that old grumbly in the tumbly comes back; their mouth waters, and they can taste the Big Mac and fries. But they know that just one trip will ruin their life again. It is the same way for me. I am constantly bombarded with outside images that I must control.
I have said that this has been the hardest fight of my life, and I mean that. For the last few months, my temptations have gotten worse and worse. I find myself visiting sites that aren't sexual in nature, but are perverse in their own way (as an "excuse" to look at something). I spend longer looking at some things than I ought. And the thoughts in my head are getting harder and harder to ignore.
I believe that this is why I feel led to post this right now. I have been praying that the demons get off of me, but it just isn't working. I think that this is a cry out for help; a cry for external prayer and support. I once thought that this would be easy for the rest of my life, but right now, I struggle with it daily.
There is much more to this discussion, and I know that you probably have many questions. I have opened posts at both Ludus and the Kelling Forums on this topic. Feel free to post there, or reply to this post here.
OK, this has gone on way too long. I planned on saying a lot more, but it will have to wait. I hope that this pushes a new openness for me and others around me.
Matthew
PS: It has been five days since I first wrote this (I wanted some time to think and make sure it was the right thing to do). The two things that keep bouncing around in my head are:
1. How am I so different? In America, it is accepted to be addicted to porn; it is "normal" to boast about this type of stuff. Why have I kept it a secret for so long?
2. Because it is "normal" to do these things, I have come to see that there is no need for me to be ashamed about my past; in fact, I should be proud of the accomplishments I have made. This is one more reason that I should put under the "reasons why I am making this post public."
Also, since writing it, I can say that I have felt less tempted. I have noticed a change. I don't know if the reason is personal (I have grown stronger) or spiritual (by writing it down it shows the demons that I am serious). I hope that this will be a change for the better.
